yay! and i am home. and happy.
today is a whatever day. I’m not feeling great, but i’m not feeling bad either. i just wish i was at home.
i have 29 days until my flight leaves. and i’m counting every minute of it. i’ve already started packing and cleaning up my room. i just want to get out of here. but i have projects and papers to do. i have to go to the metropolitan museum of art on thursday and to a play sometime this month for my english class. and then i have to write papers about them. i have a project for my management class. a group speech for my speech class. and then i have all the final. i guess it’s not that much work, it’s just the little homework that gets in the way from me doing all of these things. like we have to read a play every two days, and some of them are really, really long. i have to read antigone today, and i’m not looking forward to it. but the good news is that i finished editing the research paper that’s due tomorrow on saturday, and wrote a speech yesterday, so i only have to read the play.
you know what’s weird? i have been not procrastinating as much. like for my papers, i’m writing them a day or two after they’re assigned instead of the night before. it’s a nice feeling to not have to stress at the last minute. but i’m definitely stressing about antigone. i should just do it now.
i got a writing internship at an online magazine. it’s called reasons to be beautiful. i’m pretty sure they have a small following, but experience is experience. from what i’ve read about my responsibilities, it looks pretty demanding, but maybe once i start it won’t be as scary. the good thing is that they really liked my writing, so i can write naturally, and not have to mimic anyone. i’m pretty excited about it, but a little scared that my school work and writing will stress me out too much. we’ll see.
my plan for the summer is falling into place. i have an internship, now i just have to get summer classes and a job. i feel good about it though. something like the universe has a good summer in store for me. good boyfriend, good friends, 21, all that stuff.
anyway, i guess it’s antigone time.
well, here it is. the big 21. and i’m sitting in my office. eating fettuccine alfredo and drinking a diet coke. and trying to figure out if i’m going out tonight. our plans just keep falling through and i feel like i’m not going to get to do anything. we’ll see.
i should be excited. and i guess i am a little but. louie called me this morning, which usually doesn’t happen, and it literally made my day that much better. i wanted to go to work after that call. i really do care about him. i love everything about him, even the things that drive me crazy make him who he is. and guys are guys. you know how that is.
so my one goal for tonight, take a picture with a fruity drink in my hand, preferably pink, and be able to remember my time in new york. and i guess my birthday.
it doesn’t really mean anything to me right now because i never go out. never. never. so it will only become important when i’m home with people i do go out with. that’s when it’s going to be exciting to be 21.
also, i get birthday presents for the first time in years. my parents thought it would be nice to have something tangible so i can remember this year, so my dad got me a much needed newer digital camera, and my mom is going to pick out a piece of jewelry with me when i get home. i feel so special and lucky. i forgot how nice it is to get presents.
i mean, i always get little presents from my friends, and i love those too, but something about mom and dad gifts is nice. i’m pretty fortunate. really fortunate.
anyway, time to get back to work. hopefully next time i will have a picture to post.
so. my birthday is on wednesday. it’s the big 21. i’m really not excited. and this makes me sad. because i know if i was home i’d be going on a bar crawl or having a party or something. but here, i’m just depressed. i don’t even want to do anything. the only reason i am is if someone were to ask me what i did, i can say “oh i went out with my roommates for dinner and drinks” or something. which is actually what i’m going to do. go out for a few hours, and come home. plus i have to turn in a research paper at my 8 a.m. class on thursday. so i kind of have an excuse for why i’m not making this one a big deal. i guess i’ll be doing the celebrating when i go home for the summer.
speaking of going home, i can’t wait. i’m already counting down the days. i just feel like i have so much to do before i go home. i guess that’s true. finals and stuff. i think i’m going to start packing and shipping/storing my stuff. i just want to figure out if i’m going to stay home or not. i guess i can leave stuff with my aunt and then if i’m staying home i can pay for her to ship it back to me. i think that’s the best idea. i really feel in my bones that i’m going to end up going home. even if it’s after another semester here. like i’d only be coming back here to take a math class and then transfer home. which might not be a bad idea if i can’t get one in the summer. at least here, i have like a 75% chance of getting the classes i need.
well. i don’t have much to talk about. i’m just really bored cause lou is away for the weekend and i am going through phone withdrawals.
i guess a weight loss update: pretty much the same. the plateau is sort of hitting and i haven’t even lost a huge amount of weight.
maybe i just need new motivation.
work is fine. i get to write pieces that get published. i don’t know how prestigious school blogs/newsletters are in the publishing world for aspiring journalists, but i guess some experience is better than none.
speaking of journalism. my family thinks i could have a future in journalism. i’m not a terrible writer when it counts. writing here is like writing in a diary. unedited and whatever. but i have a few features published. maybe this editorial job will give me a slight leg up on other students who don’t have publishing experience in a school paper or magazine. we’ll see.
the thought’s in my brain. i’m not sure what i want to do with my life so i’m not going to count that out, but i’m not sure if i have a strong will to write for a living. i guess i like writing, but i don’t love it. writing a paper for the english class i’m taking right now is like pulling teeth. but i guess if it’s something i like, or is assigned to me at work, i’ll do it quickly. so now i guess it’s just a matter of whether or not i can strengthen my writing and learn how to write from interesting angles. if i go to la verne, they don’t have the exact major in communications that i want, so i could do journalism.
ok. brain is tired of thinking now.
that really is the question. i feel like transferring a third time makes me look like i’m throwing a tantrum and just quitting when i don’t like something. in a way, i guess i am doing that. but i feel like i have to be really careful with my mental health. i don’t want to push it and be in an environment that is harmful to me.
i had to do an informative speech on bipolar disorder, and i found out that my “breakdown” at pitt was really my first manic episode. and that’s really scary. i don’t want to force myself to stay here if i could have another because it is toxic for my brain to be here. am i just being paranoid?
on one hand, i hate it here. i have no friends, i just had an incredibly stupid fight with my roommates that makes it awkward to live here, the weather sucks… i could go on and on. i almost stayed home instead of going to pace last fall. but i decided to take a chance, and it sucks.
but on the other hand, maybe just sticking it out and suffering will build character.
but what if i have another episode?
that’s the scary part for me. those couple of months were terrifying. i don’t ever want to feel like that again.
and that’s sort of why i want to come “home”.
and i don’t mean home as in living with my mom in her 2-bedroom. i mean los angeles area. somewhere that i am comfortable with. it could be a school in the city, one super close by like la verne, it doesn’t matter to me. i’ve already fucked up all of my chances of graduating on time, so i might as well enjoy where ever i end up. right?
everyone thinks i want to come home so i can be closer to lou and maggie, and my other friends. but that’s not it at all. i’m fine with being in a long distance relationship (it sucks, but i’ll do it) and having my friends only accessible by phone. i’m used to that. it happened in pittsburgh, and here, and i will do it again if i have to. but i just really want to come home so that i can keep on the good path that my brain is going down.
maybe i should have stayed home in the first place. and never gone out into the world and experienced anything. would that make me a shittier person? i guess i wouldn’t be where i am today, and i wouldn’t know louie, and i wouldn’t have had the experiences. maybe i wouldn’t have gone crazy. i’ll never know.
all i do know is that i’m unhappy here. i cried and cry and probably will continue to cry. it’s unhealthy for someone to be like this.
just a thought, but what if school isn’t for me? what if i’m not meant to graduate and take the same path as everyone else? but then, what would i do? how would i support myself? i need to have a job and make a living for myself. there’s no way i’m going to rely on someone else for that. but seriously, what if?
too many thoughts right now…